I come from a lineage of men whom have had incredible vision for the church of God – men who have sought to take the gospel to the unreached of America, the un-churched men that are so often written off by the church. They have sacrificed pride, jobs, and their own emotional states to try to see the things the Lord laid on their hearts come to pass; but the dreams and visions they held to have often been rejected. When my grandfather brought the town drunk into the church and began to disciple him, the church rejected this act of evangelism – my grandfather rejected the church. Similarly, my father has often offered great tools, teachings, and discipleship to churches that have instead held to centrality, popularity, and legalism over the true, gospel living my father proposed. I have watched the church reject these men, and these men fight to follow Jesus despite the opposition they recieved. From a young age, I figured I would fight a similar battle in my own life.
Surely enough, this pain began knocking on my door. When I talked about doing missions among the poor and unreached, I was often discouraged by church leaders who told me I was “too passionate” and need to “slow down.” When I started doing ministry with my un-churched peers, I was told I needed to “submit to the local church” and “bring in a qualified adult to teach.” When miraculous signs began taking place in the midst of broken teenagers, religious leaders of the local mega-churches rejected the signs, wrote me off as a cult-leader, and instructed me to repent and stop preaching lies. Don’t even get me started on what I was told after I baptized someone! I saw what my fathers who walked before me saw, and began to feel what they felt – betrayal, control, pain. I desired so much to be qualified before these esteemed men so that I may have a commendable ministry, but I could never sacrifice my convictions and submit to a church program I deemed the Lord had called me away from! I was tired of fighting, tired of attempting to qualify gospel living to the church! So simply put, I quit the church.
Surely enough, this pain began knocking on my door. When I talked about doing missions among the poor and unreached, I was often discouraged by church leaders who told me I was “too passionate” and need to “slow down.” When I started doing ministry with my un-churched peers, I was told I needed to “submit to the local church” and “bring in a qualified adult to teach.” When miraculous signs began taking place in the midst of broken teenagers, religious leaders of the local mega-churches rejected the signs, wrote me off as a cult-leader, and instructed me to repent and stop preaching lies. Don’t even get me started on what I was told after I baptized someone! I saw what my fathers who walked before me saw, and began to feel what they felt – betrayal, control, pain. I desired so much to be qualified before these esteemed men so that I may have a commendable ministry, but I could never sacrifice my convictions and submit to a church program I deemed the Lord had called me away from! I was tired of fighting, tired of attempting to qualify gospel living to the church! So simply put, I quit the church.
I had a vision once in which the Lord began calling me out of the church: I found myself sitting among non-believers – they were cussing, gambling, drinking, and doing all those things which a “good Christian” would not participate in. My spirit was stirred – I began to share the gospel with them, and they listened. I sat among them, I ate with them, I even participated in their conversations – but this opened a door for the glory of Jesus’ salvation to be revealed in their life. The scenario started over. I again found myself among unbelievers, but this time not a table, a whole room. I was sitting alone – but my spirit felt compelled to share the gospel with this group of unbelievers. This time, instead of sharing a story, I pulled out my Bible, jumped on my table, and started preaching the Word. A few came near, and listened to my story – but most continued with their lives – the harvest was smaller than that of the first scenario. Finally, the scenario again started over. I saw all those same unbelievers which I had previously seen – but this time, they were below me. I was up on a stage, looking down upon this large, sin-ridden group of people. Someone walked over and handed me a diploma, I stepped up towards the ledge, and dutifully preached a pathetic message of repentance. Not one head turned. The only response I got was the occasional jeer to shut-up and go home. The vision ended and the Lord left me with this thought – what kind of impact do you want to make?
Every step I have taken further and further away from a spotlight on the celebrity church show has compelled me to take further steps into the surrounding darkness of what appears to be kingdom anarchy. I have not found many believers in this place, though I have found I am not alone, but I have found Jesus – and I don’t plan to go back towards that spotlight. The further away I get, the clearer the truth of the gospel becomes – and the more I feel the need for its centrality.
But my original move away from the church was not wholly pure. Although most of my motives were to see the kingdom of Jesus come and follow my Bridegroom, my decision had fragments and sections of bitterness, anger, and rejection. Although I was doing house churches and foreign missions and encountering Jesus in a very real way, often even driving by a church building would stir up emotions that any wise man would deem unhealthy! I had not compromised, I had stuck to the mission that the Lord gave me – but I still felt the sting of betrayal and the ever-lurking presence of bitterness.
Jesus, set me free.
“Why should ye be stricken anymore? Ye will revolt more and more: the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrefying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.” –Isaiah 1:5-6
This is how I feel – stricken – watching the body of Christ rebel against Jesus. I feel that our fruit makes Jesus sick – much like the church of Laodicea from Revelation three. The whole head is sick! The heart, the very mission of God that should compel us to do Church, is growing faint! And this body… there is no soundness in it! It is broken, full of sores and wounds that have not been closed! I feel like one of these sores. I have dedicated my life to follow the head, help move the body, and help repair breaches that have been made – but this church bitterness and brokenness has left me feeling like a sore upon the Body of Christ! This game of bitterness and brokenness seemed never ending.
But hope was offered: “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” –Isaiah 1:18. I believe that this is a promise for the church, but only for those of us who will recognize our sin, repent, and follow Jesus. Jesus wants to heal the church; he also wants to mobilize the church! The things that were joined with this promise were the conditions to give up a pursuit of riches, repent for our sin, and start dealing justly with the widows, orphans, and poor!
From first glance, this seems to take me back to where I started – seeing what I feel like needs to be done, striving to follow Jesus, and yet running into resistance with those who should most support me. But I came across a beautiful, liberating passage the other day – John 15, “I AM the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away: and every branch that bears fruit, he purges, that it may bring forth more fruit.” Jesus is the TRUE VINE! He is the one who we all report to, without him, there is no life. And for all of us who dwell in him, if we are not following him, he just removes us. For some of us, that is a terrifying call to repentance. For others, it liberates us from having to prove ourselves before men, believing that we do not report to the hand or the foot, but to the head. And that the head will sever anything that prevents his mission from moving forward! We’re not called to flow in synch with the Body, but with Jesus, the Spirit, and the Head!
I’ve got this issue. I feel I have this commission from Jesus; but for so long, I have tried to get that commission recognized from men instead of confirmed in the heavens. Jesus was rejected before men, but confirmed in heaven, and he accomplished the task he was given to complete! That really is all that I want – just to do the thing that God wants me to do and somehow not care about what men say about that! And the amazing part? Jesus did this without bitterness, without giving in to a spirit of rejection – he did it in purity, love, and grace! I’m no longer surprised that when I lay down my life to make a sacrifice for a ministry that is not highly esteemed in the church, many people are more excited about my death than my sacrifice! But glory to God, vengeance belongs to him! He resurrected my Lord, and he will resurrect me! I can be free from trying to qualify myself before men so that I can pursue following Jesus, but I don’t even have to feel bitter when they insult me! For once, I feel like I can move the way Jesus intended simply due to the fact that He is enough.
I’ll finish with one final thought – sand. Sand is simply tiny rocks, hundreds of them, crushed and bunched together. Jesus told a simple parable at the end of the Sermon on the Mount about a foolish man who built his house upon the sand, and a wise man who built upon the rock. Truly, I say this to you – the modern church will often require you to build a ministry on many foundations that are not the gospel. You will be asked to build upon education, doctrines, age, experience, amount of people, number of books published, popularity, amount of souls won…etc. These, beloved, are sand. They are tiny, ground up pieces of truth that resemble the larger truth of the gospel but result in a foundation that is far from stable. Jesus told us that the greatest commandment is to love God and love your neighbor as yourself – and that everything else will be fulfilled if we could just do these two things. For so long, I have built a foundation that has been laid partly on the gospel, and partly on my individuality, my acceptance, my popularity, and my success. I’m tired of trying to build a church on tiny rocks, I want the real thing! I want Jesus! The Gospel! The love that forms this solid rock I can surely stand on! Let us beware of these subtle qualifications, these whispers of bitterness or rejection, these desires to please man – let’s stop playing church, and let’s follow Jesus.
I’m in the process of being set free. Free from bitterness, shame, guilt, people-pleasing, rejection, and free to follow the convictions the Lord has laid on my heart. I’m free to follow Jesus, free to love God and love man, and free to quit the “church game” for good. May these realizations only serve in liberating the reader to serve Jesus without feeling like they must find a man-made avenue to do so – there is but one advocate between God and man, one avenue by which we receive our qualification, our anointing, and our voice – and that is Jesus – our Lord, our Savior, our King. Jesus is enough.
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